I consider myself a practical gentleman. That’s why I masturbate in the shower. The cleanup is a breeze. The only trouble is keeping my laptop dry. That’s why I bring the umbrella.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows on too high… She seemed surprised.

It’s not about how she looks, it’s all about how she looks at you.

I wrote in my diary and went through it with a bright yellow marker. It was the hi lite of my day.

What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black

Why do white girls help fight heartburn? Because they’re so basic.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Funny, this warrant doesn’t feel so outstanding.

Why couldn’t the life guard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.

how does a bakery know when to make more bread? on a knead the dough basis.