All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.

What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray? They are just OFF-full

What do an eagle and a broom have in common? They both fly but the broom doesn’t.

Sometimes I really think about killing myself. I don’t. But I *really* think about it.

Enjoying an adult beverage in moderation and not bothering any fine ladies from the internet.

OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses? Because they are pretty and hurt you.

I like my coffee how I like my women Forgotten about in the kitchen

What do baby showers and golden showers have in common? Nothing, you sick pervert!

What kind of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies

When I was in college, I had sex roughly 5 times a week… but I had sex gently a lot more.