My facial tattoo is going to look so cool when I’m working as a janitor for McDonalds.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke. So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

How can you avoid falling hair? Get out of the way.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout? BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks* SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

A boy ate a Pb and jelly sandwich And then died

Just cause something is your middle name doesn’t mean you do it all the time. My middle name is sexhaver. Lol ok, bad example, but

My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake. Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my clothes? Officer: well, that’s not prohibited.