Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

I was peeing in the pool the other day… The lifeguard yelled at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

I like camping but… it’s so in tents

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” Friends: “No thanks.” Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

In case you think you have the laziest cat in the world, my cat has had a turd half-in/half-out her butt hole all afternoon.

[First Date] Me: So, Construction? Him: Yeah M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer? H: M: Like to screw? H: M: Hey! Where are you going?

I used to be called the mushroom in high school Because I was a real fungi. (Don’t hate me)

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at? “Donald! Duck!”