Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Why’d the hipster burn his mouth? He had his soup before it was cool.

Guess who I ran into today, Billy. “Who, dad?” Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Me to Dr: I have no energy lately. Dr: you need to exercise more Me:… Dr:… Me: Let’s start this again.

I used to be a fan but now I’m an air conditioner.

Nobody loves your text conversation screenshot as much as you do.

Did Trump make the right choice when choosing his VP? It de-Pence on who you ask.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night. I asked him how he told them apart. He says, “well her brother has a mustache”