Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it’s going to be shit.

[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

Shia LaBeouf is what happens when you name your child from a random rack of Scrabble tiles.

Always toss glitter onto someone when telling them bad news so that the bad news is only the second-worst thing to happen to them that day.

“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.

Her: are you single? [flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek] Me: haha idk

I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.

How do you tell two witches apart? You can’t! You don’t know which witch is which!

There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking the fuck out.

911 what’s the emergency? “How do u unburn pizza?” U burnt a pizza “Yes” I’ll send a squad car “Ok will they help?” No ur under arrest