“Hey, I finally watched that movie you’ve been wanting me to see…” “Oh, so you finally saw Back to the Future?” “Sure did!” “It’s about time!”

Getting mad at commercials for having interracial families

What is the speed limit of sex? 68, because any faster and you’ll flip over and eat it.

Hey, Gandalf! What’s your favourite kind of insect? FLY, YOU FOOLS!

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.” “Um, population control?” “Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife. Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.

Why couldn’t Adam stop Cain from killing his brother? Because he wasn’t Abel.

How do you get a girl from the Midwest to “s” your “d”? Dip it in ranch.