“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!” *dirt bike holds a knife to your throat* Believe me…I know.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Sad to hear of the passing of Liesl von Trapp at the age of 73, going on 74.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk… So I took the car key off of his keychain… He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Asians aren’t bad drivers. They’re just disoriented.

Why is a duck when it’s round? Because the farther it flies, the fewer.

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

A giraffe walks into a bar… and says highballs are on me.

Where’s the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap

Never cry for an onion that doesn’t deserve you.