I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

Mean jokes are like children with cancer. They never grow old.

Why was the beach wet? Because the sea-weed.

McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.

What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for christmas? That it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

I found out that for months my kid has been throwing his poop at beehives. I sat him down and said, “Son, it’s time we talked about the turds and the bees.”