Do you like raisin cookies?.. Then why don’t you adopt one?!

Torturer: I will break you Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness? Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

My teacher dropped the most dad like joke to me today Me: “Hey can I go to the bathroom?” Him: “I sure hope so.” With the biggest proudest smile on his face.

Best alzheimer’s joke

My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.

Where’s the safest place to keep a Man-eating toilet? The women’s room.

*God provides manna from heaven* “Is there gluten in this?”

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

And the award for the best neckwear goes to… Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep “WTF you doing?” “for your headache.” “I don’t have one!” Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys