A photon checks in at a hotel: “Are you checking in any bags?” asks the concierge. “No”, says the photon, “I’m travelling light.”

Why do Christian bands only record with Pro Tools? Because they don’t understand how to use Logic or Reason.

How do philosophers shave off their beards? Occam’s razor

I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its ass.

One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies

I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes. Can’t stand movies with that much gore.

Am I too fat? Wife: I too fat to be a personal trainer? Me: No honey you just need to lose weight.

When I die, I want you to carry my casket So you can let me down one last time.

What do you call a midget psychic that just robbed a bank? Small medium at large