I participated in a trigonometry competition I got secant place.

Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans. Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and– Me: What time should I be there?

Onion books. Read ’em and weep. (Credit to Andrew O’Niel.)

Another Sunday at Gym Church w/ Pastor Pumpz. We sang “My Bod is an Awesome Bod”, “Bod is Great Bod is Good”, and “Be Thou My Protein”

60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

The Patriots were impressive last night You don’t win a game like that with Luck alone

What happened when Cinderella got to the ball ? She gagged.

There’s something about curling… … that rubs me the wrong way.

We wanted to bury our cat Ivy under our ivy but it was too thick to get through so we renamed it dumpster instead.