I asked my mom why I had to go to singing lessons. She told me it was a skill I needed to a choir.

*kneels to pray* “Hello, God?” “YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.” “Who is this?” “MY NAME IS BRAD.” “Are you in Heaven, Brad?” “NO, INDIA.”

Anyone know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? You know, besides the taste.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile I told her, “that’s an awfully big word for a six year old”.

Taint Why is the taint called your taint? because it taint your nuts and it taint your ass.

[Swims out to Sea] *sees shark* OH NO! *dolphins save me* Thanks dolphins! *dolphins ask for a tip [I’m broke] *they return me to the shark*

Offensive jokes? Is there a subreddit for this?

I used to hate math, But then I realized, decimals had a point.