I’ve been told I’m oblivious. I had not noticed this.

Why doesn’t Stephen Hawking need a wife? Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes Me: I want to fall in love G: OK next M: With a really nice girl *we both start laughing*

Why did the guy not draw a circle? Because there was no point.

Do you ever wake up. Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive. I did. Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..

How do blind people know their ass is clean after they poop? One bark means clean, two means dirty.

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.

If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.