There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

Did you know that the word “suns” upside down is still “suns”?

Name two things that are black and blue and had sex Bill Cosby with his sweater and his accuser

Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.

What do you call a well read/researched Bernie Sanders supporter? Not a Bernie Sanders supporter.

Did you hear about the pecan orgy? It was fucking nuts.

A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.

If the universe was a person, s/ he would have a pretty flashy personality. Because s/ he starts everything with a big bang

If I ever wanted to kill myself… climbing up your ego and jumping down to your IQ level would get the job done.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me? me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot” dad: [voice catching] Sure son