if you give your dog a middle name i hope he runs away

Why were Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul so good in Breaking Bad? They were meth-od acting.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Roses are red… This one is screwed up, you’ve been warned. /our flag is too /raise your hand to the sky /and gas all the jews

Irony is when you see someone circle around the parking lot 5 times to get the spot closest to the gym

At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, “I’ve lost my faculties!”

friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

2 fish in a tank, one fish looks at the other and say’s “do you know how to drive this thing?”

What do you get if you steamroll a crab and a Korean at the same time? A crustacean 😀 😀