solipsist joke I’m a solipsist, and frankly, I’m surprised there aren’t more of us.

My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.

How do you know when you’re at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.

Before calling me, ask yourself, “Is this textable?”

I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free.

Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

What do you call it when a photo of gay lovers falls from the wall and shatters into two pieces, tearing them apart? Broke back-mounting.

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

Studies show that one in two and a half men are HIV Positive You can thank Charlie Sheen for that

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.