What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend asked me if I purposely used wordplay in my sentences. I answered ”Nope. Unintended.”

Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It’s the leash I can do!

What do you call a gay author? …a fabulous fabulist. Thank you, I’ll be here all night.

Toaster settings: No.1: “I do nothing.” No.2: “I do nothing.” No.3: “I do nothing.” No.4: “I SET BREAD ON FIRE!”

I swallowed two pieces of string yesterday I shit you knot

People say drugs are bad, but I’m calling complete BS on that. I’ve only been on meth for 20 minutes and I’m already the king of Jupiter.

Why is an aborted baby so hard to fool? Because It wasn’t born yesterday.

Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER HER HAIR SMELLS NICE? A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A DWARF?

The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so, He felt undermined.