WATSON: do you even have a proper education? SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson WATSON: but, like, beyond that SHERLOCK: nah

I used to be really scared about marriage… In fact, I hear 50% of all marriages end up lasting Forever!

What do you call a fish that eats shit? A bottom feeder.

Why was the Egyptian queen so grumpy? Because, she was on her pyramid!

I fell in love with a prostitute last night, she had literally everything I have ever wanted in a woman My dick

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually agents will screw in just about anything.

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

[horror movie in 2169] The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE [entire audience faints]

Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.