The bar (Dad joke) First guy walks into a bar. Second guy walks into the same bar. Third guy ducks.

Life is like a penis… Life is like a penis – simple, relaxed and hanging free… It’s women who make it hard!

Racism is like Nickelback… I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call playing chess against yourself? Chessturbation.

Have you heard of the object without mass? It doesn’t matter

What is the most religious medicine? The Deacon gestant

My dream job? That’s easy: Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone. That’s Old School Twitter.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Why are all lesbians ill? They lack vitamin D