Why did God invent yeast infections? [NSFW] So women would know what it’s like to live with an annoying cunt.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

How can you tell when it’s time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand touches the little hand

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad that I eventually had to take his bike away.

A prickle of porcupines A murder of crows A flamboyance of flamingos A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts A shrewdness of apes A parla

There is a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I have nothing on.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

What’s Darth Vader’s least favorite temperature? Luke warm. ^^im ^^sorry

Your Mom is so old… She had to use her own face for emoticons.