[at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I’m good with numbers.

My Dad had the eye of the tiger …and a life time ban from the national zoo

The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant.. I didn’t, so I told him to use it in a sentence.

How do witches lose weight? They join weight witches.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeno for me.

Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

[Office] *Dolphin accidentally dials fax number Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

I like my women like my chicken… White meat only.

Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? sodium hypobromite

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.