Beer commercials really overestimate how many attractive people live in my apartment building.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

I’m never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again. I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn’t even batter!

Cat lovers Their pets also qualify for the obnoxious neighbor award.

Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up? He had a lot of aspirations.

So I was going down on this girl. And I tasted horse semen, I looked up at her and said “ahh Grandma that’s how you died”

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

A musician always closed his eyes when he sang. When asked, he replied, “I can’t bear to see people suffering.”

I tried snorting coke once… but the bubbles kept burning my nose.

When you watch tv with the closed captioning on… You’ve got to take their word for it.