[Food Network: Cake Wars] As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table. Cat Judge pushes it off the table

*Opens fortune cookie* ~You just ate cat, you thought was beef.

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

What do you call a terrorist video store? Blockbuster

Every time I get an AIDS test, I’m convinced it’s going to come back positive And every time I’m right.

If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.

It’d be cool if a firetruck was like an ice cream truck and just drove around selling fire to kids.

I accidentally drank a bottle of ink. The doctor says I’ll be fine, but I feel as though I’ve dyed inside.

What’s the difference between light and hard? You can still fall asleep with the light on!

A 40 year old man goes to buy a car…. and all he can afford is a base model civic.