“So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device?” The latter.

Why do witches laugh when they ride their brooms? because they’re not wearing any panties.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

If you can’t do what’s right you can always do what’s left

Why do we hit things when they don’t work? Because it worked with slavery

Some one gave me a broken knife 3 days ago. I didn’t get the point.

Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight? They don’t fancy each other.

“Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride.”

what do you call a mexican with no legs? A paragraph, because he’s not a full essay.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend* WILL YOU MARRY ME *2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later* HELL NO