If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest? He wanted to see that booty bounce.

Can a ninja bring a ninja star into the airport? Shuriken.

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate… …everyone came. You should have seen her face.

I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I’m on my period and Star Wars is sold out. But she pulled some strings and got me in.

ME: I’m off to that meeting BOSS: Forget something? M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead] B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating That’s the last time I banged a psychic

I never thought a fleshlight would feel like the real thing, but last night I got drunk and totally tried it. And I have to say, it was a pretty good fucksimilie.

I’d rather have leg hands than arm feet.

What does the Pillsbury Dough boy hide under his apron? Dough nuts!