If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

What’s the difference between a whore and a truck? The truck can only take the load from behind where as the whore can take it from anywhere.

“Honey, remember our first date?” “Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?” “No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

What did the sphinx say? What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme? Egypt me!

I became a vegetarian 4 months ago.. .. I guess you can say that I quit cold turkey

I have a black belt in leather

“That was supposed to be a compliment.” -Men

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I like my men like I like my coffee black, ground up and in the freezer.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.