But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

How do you know if you are a necrophiliac? You get mourning wood

“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.

Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon? They gave him the cold shoulder.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

2016: The year Brock Turner got sentenced to 3 months but America got 4 years.

I like my women like I like my reality shows…. Naked and afraid.

I have a great motto for a sperm bank. You spank it, we bank it.

I went to the opticians today, you’ll never guess who I bumped into. Everybody

Why doesn’t Monica Lewinsky like going to the doctor? He always shoves a Bill down her throat!