My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

What do you call a midget in a subway saying, “tick…tick…tick…”? A metro-gnome

I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.

What do you call an Arabic woman being double penetrated? A sandbitch

The Simpsons will never run out of money. Homer’s always bringing home the D’oh!

Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse? They can not stand stakes!

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted “Whatever you do, don’t look down”. So I started smiling.

Thanks for being here right on time. We’ll see you in a few hours. – Doctors

Peanut butter You’re almost as good as chocolate Which is almost as good as cheese Which is tied with vodka -Poem about the food pyramid

My girlfriend’s dad accused me of being a pedophile just because she’s 18 and I’m 32. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.