Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.

Be There or Be Square Because if you will be there, you will be around.

What’s the difference between having sex while skydiving and a smelly vagina? Well, one’s a kinky stunt…

My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.

What meme do Uber drivers hate? Do you even Lyft, bro?

Hey @realDonaldTrump, try pressing the caps lock key… @realDonaldTrump: O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

ME: why is my son failing TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Doctor doctor give me the news I’ve got a bad case of lov- oh what’s that? It’s AIDS? Well that just doesn’t rhyme at all

Why do French tanks have review mirrors? Because they want to see the front line too

Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter? Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?