My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas. I haven’t got the dough, but oh well, we’ll see how things pan out.

I’ve always wanted to pursue a career in self-deprecating humor I’d go for it if I wasn’t so fucking stupid.

How are Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd similar? Both’s greatest hit was The Wall

A male feminist walks into a bar. . . Because it was set so low

Two Sardars were fixing a bomb in a car. Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing? Sardar 2: Don’t worry, I have one more.

My VW Beetle can’t deliver when I want a “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY” honk. It’s all, “Hi! Let’s get a latte after you move just a smidge!”

[creation of insects] LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night BEE: I will pollinate flowers FLY: I will eat shit and die

Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station? It is a day to be tankful.

Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny. Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth. Wife: … Me: Fine. No more. Period. Wife: *eyeroll*

A seal walks into a club… _