Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me…. …should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

What travels down an alley and has holes in it? A bowling ball. Or Bruce Wayne’s parents.

What do you call a fake shit? A sham poo

A muslim, a communist, and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. The bartender says hello Mr. President.

interviewer: any interests outside of work me: war and space documentaries mom: he means star wars me: mom stay in the car mom: nerd

What did Horatio say to the pathological liar in CSI: Miami? Won’t get fooled again!

It’s been confirmed by People Magazine that Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman I say good on him, at least he’s got the balls to do it.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late? Pupil: Sorry teacher I overslept. Teacher: It’s three in the afternoon!