The worst part of forgetting a woman’s name… Is when you can’t quite come up with it, but she’s right on the tip of your tongue.

Where do SJWs belong? In an oven.

pushing an obese dude down a hill wasn’t what i had in mind when you asked me if i wanted to roll a fatty.

A few years back dos Equis asked me to be the spokesperson for their beer. I told them I wasn’t interested.

Why do husbands typically die before their wives? They want to.

I’m more than tenacious. I’m elevenacious.

New Irish sport A new sport is sweeping Ireland. Apparently everyone gathers round and watches a scruffily dressed man lazing about. It’s called “Tramp-o-leaning”.

“You are what you eat.” Not exactly the best thing to say to a paralyzed vegetarian

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality] “what were you in for?” murder, a guy… a guy… “spit it out man” a guy, interrupted me