An Apple store near where I live got robbed $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

What does a neckbeard call a disease or ailment? ma’lady

Although many forms of punctuation are thought to be antiquated, I still believe we live in a hyphen-nation. I still believe we live in a hyphen-nation.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change. 4yo: *Goes upstairs *Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

[in Paris] Will you have sex with me? “No monsieur.” Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series… I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?

I wish there was some way to tell if someone was an idiot or not. But we can’t have everything we wish for. -Send from my iphone