Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

What is your favourite shaggy dog tale?

“You are what you eat.” I’m about 90% burrito.

March Into Battle by Sally Forth

What brings the monster’s babies? The Frankenstork.

What kind of horses only come out after dark? Nightmares!

*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare* Boss: What are you doing? Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*

People Say It’s Annoying When I Talk To Myself… Stop being so hard on yourself.

I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.

A dyslexic agnostic stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.