[Sick Humour] What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it’s hair with a vegetable peeler.

My wife and I got into an argument she said ‘you should treat me like I’m the last woman on earth’ I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars?

I don’t like going to the beach. I’m a playa hater.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Two unconnected vertices? That’s where I draw the line.

Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant’s toes? A: Slow clowns.

Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it… I almost dropped my beer in shock.

Arguing with someone spoils your day and mood, increases your blood pressure and is bad for your health. Instead of arguing, Just punch them in the fucking face and be done with it.

What was the border patrol agent’s greatest regret? The Juan that got away.

What do you call a soldier that got attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray?? A seasoned veteran