If you ever Google “Gary Oldman” For fuck sakes don’t forget the “r” in Gary!!!

*Girl opens Xmas present* “Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?” “Wait but that means-” *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake? WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Before Twitter, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

What does DJ Khaled call his mexican friends? Another Juan

Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today Thankyou daylight savings

Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I’m amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots.

I had a job circumcising elephants. The pay wasn’t much, but the tips were huge!