Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long? Because old Hobbits die hard…

I used to think I was homophobic. It turns out that I was just afraid of monsters in the closet.

What do you call the survivors of the holocaust? Residue.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.

How to fall down stairs: Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: Step 4: Step 5: Step 6: Step 7: Step 8: Step 9: Step 10: Step 11: Step 12: Step 13: Step 14: Step 15: Step 16: Step 17: Step 18: Step 19: Step 20:

Did you hear about the cannibal who cloned himself to see what he would taste like? It made him shit himself.

*Feels the chill* Chill: I have a boyfriend

Food trucks were invented by a guy who really loved fast food but hated how cheap it was & how he didn’t have to stand in line forever.

How many married women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Yeah right, like married women ever screw anything other than poolboys…..