What keyboard shortcut do the elderly have the most trouble with? Ctrl+P

When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?

Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

Whoever wins the Oscar for Best Sound Mixer is gonna get so much sound mixing pussy it’s not even funny.

What is the most positive thing in Africa? HIV

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

“If you’re flying with 3 kids, pick the 1 with the highest earning potential & then work your way down with oxygen masks.” -Flight attendant

There should be a trap door at the front of the line for coffee that opens into a pit of fire if you take too long to order.

What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt.

Why did Tiger Woods parents name him Tiger? Because he’s half Thai, half African American. (Get it? It’s funny cuz racisim.)