When I said I wanted an origami book… I didn’t mean a regular book in the shape of a butterfly.

Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement, But I still think those jeans made her look fat.

If you tuck your t-shirt into your shorts, don’t be surprised if my kid kicks you in the nuts. I’m trying to raise him right.

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth. So why did you come around then? Well I saw this light at the window…!

Why are dyslexic zombies such good plumbers? Because they’re always looking for drains.

“Shake what your mama gave ya.” “You want me to shake a $25 Macy’s gift card?”

What did the gardener yell when his vegetarian friend visited? Run Berry, run!

I’m too calm to be a Dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.

I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?” Either it does or it doesn’t. DON’T WASTE MY TIME

Every time I tell dad jokes He laughs