I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

What part of a hospital does an abortion patient avoid? The right wing

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

What do you call Bill O’Reilly? Ass seen on TV.

[hat shop] OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

What do you call a lesbian with a SUV full of penises? Dick Van Dyke

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give the bitch a shovel.

Why is the ocean salty? Because land doesn’t wave back.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer ME: Eels