WOW! The Vatican has declared child sex abuse is a crime. Next thing you know they’ll ban burning witches!

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

How did Wendy die? The Baconator.

So my girlfriend thinks I’m stalking her. Well, she’s not a my girlfriend but she will be soon.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.

Why do airplanes have to go around the sweatpants factory? Because it’s a NO FLY zone!

Why are black people good at basketball? Because they can run, shoot and steal at the same time.

“It’s a boy! ” Frank exclaimed. “It’s a boy!” And he never visited Bangkok ever again.