what do you do with someone that is having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ] Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands! “Toilet paper?!”

Two Asians are watching the weather forecast… … and the forecast reports that there will be showers in the area. The first Asian says, “Oh man!” And the second Asian says, “Bah, rain.”

I used to supply filofaxes to the mafia I was involved in very organised crime

What did the drunken Irishman say to the Chinese diplomat? http://www.reddit.com/r/Youwritethepunchline/comments/2zg1zy/what_did_the_drunken_irishman_say_to_the_chinese/

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them Step 2:Become a lawyer Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love Step 4:Become rich

Show me on this lemon where life gave it to you.

A man goes to the doctor… and he says, “Doc, my eye hurts when I drink coffee.” Doctor says, “Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?”

Why doesn’t orange rhyme with anything? Because it’s a Mandarin word