Rules for being a good neighbor: 1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS 2. Don’t forget rule number one.

I’m sorry, I don’t see why you can’t have a crack house AND have it tastefully decorated.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

At least Mexicans make good immigrants and don’t bomb nobody.

Do extremely fat people still call them laptops?

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

How to tell if someone is pedantic Say, “Hey, you’re being pretty pendantic.” If they respond with this, they’re pedantic: “No, I’m *pe*dantic, not *pen*dantic.”

Why did the billionaire keep winning at Poker? He played his Trump card.

It’s funny because it’s true So a catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a beer. the end

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.