Please don’t cry Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

NSFW: Sperm 1: God I’m getting tired! How long ’til we reach the fallopian tubes? Sperm 2: Still a long way to go……….We’ve only passed the tonsils.

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology… She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

What is the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of cow manure? the bucket

GOD: I’ve created donuts ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole? GOD: ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: because they are holy GOD: because they are holy

Did you hear about the organic compound who became a bully? Mean ether.

if you love something set it free. except Shamu.. we all love Shamu but he must be imprisoned forever

Why is an apple a Dalek’s favourite fruit? Because it keeps the Doctor away!

My friend says that I’ve lost touch with reality but I told the pillow, that was absurd and to lower his voice before he woke the avocado.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Deadheads screw in sleeping bags.