I think RoastMe should be renamed… to DaisExMachina.

What’s the same about Christmas and work? I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.

Q: Where do people who say “shoot” and “darn” go to? A: Heck

1st vampire: How things? 2nd vampire: Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I’m overdrawn by 50 pints at the blood bank.

Did you hear about the new pop singer that has giant nipples? Her name is Areola Grande.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have Alzheimer’s AND you have Lupus…” Patient: “…well at least I don’t have Lupus.”

Photographer with really bad eyesight is the happiest because he doesn’t need any lenses to see perfect bokeh.

Dandruff. Plastic bags. Dish soap –> things more interesting than my friends’ Facebook updates

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” – People who don’t understand sleep. Or death. Or expressing themselves without the use of cliches.