“Are you the ghost of Christmas past?” – what I ask a person with a flip phone.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapuss

[leaving store without bag] Cashier: Forgetting something? “Oh wow, how embarrassing” *walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Yo mama so fat The hulk couldn’t even lift her up

I finally told my girlfriend about my sexy pirate fetish… She said she would get on board

What you should do if you have a rash Choose your doctor and medication carefully, you don’t want to make any rash decisions.

A friend of mine wanted me to recommend a TV series that ‘ends with a bang.’ I told him he might like Cowboy Bebop.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water