If you play Rebecca Black’s “Friday” backwards, Satan appears and asks why you have so much fucking time on your hands.

Robot Doctor. Robot Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Robot Doctor: “1”.

Who is the coolest person in the hospital? The ultrasound man.

What do four out of five guys love to do? Gang-rape.

Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected. Dating is bull shit

What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car in it man.

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

Why did Lindsay Lohan walk into a movie theater? She heard there were free shots.

Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor) Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day. Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he’ll shoot his girlfriend.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a [Tesco burger](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-21038521) on my pillow!