“Where are you all going?” A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. “You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this’ll be great exposure for your band

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.

The United States government.

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries? Because I’m about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.

What do you call a row of boxers-in-training? A shitty punch line.

What do you call a row of boxers-in-training? A shitty punch line.

Go away, mosquito. I’ve already had the blood drained out of me by my job.

Why were the vets and pounds mad? It was raining cats and dogs

Why were the vets and pounds mad? It was raining cats and dogs