I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Someone Stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Why did I join Twitter? Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.

What does my brothers wife and a Chevrolet have in common? They’re both extremely high maintenance

What do you call a stick with autism? Autistic

what do you call a blond standing on her head? a brunette with bad breath…

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Never throw a battery at someone You’ll get charged with battery